Making my own pattern

I left high school a month early. I was finished when I came here. Except for one thing -- my english essay on the razor's edge by Somorset Maugham. It was hard and fun to write. I love end of year essays. They are by far my favorite essay of the year. I work hard on them. So, without making you wait any longer, let me introduce to you the last essay of my sophomore year:

There are several unanswerable questions that have plagued the human race throughout history. People have questioned the existence of higher powers, the nature of their species, the rights of laws and rulers, the proper application of ethics etc. One such question is what is the meaning of life? In this essay, I am responding to this question. I don’t know that I am correct but this essay consists of what I accept as right. Life does not have an unconditional meaning. In Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor E. Frankl wrote, “the meaning of life differs from man to man from day to day from hour to hour.” He agrees with me; there is no unconditional meaning of life. There is no goal to be achieved or final destination to get to or profound state to be in that is meaning of life. Frankl is saying that the meaning of life is dictated on an individual level at specific moments. I disagree. I don’t think anything exists that will automatically make life meaningful. InThe Razor’s Edge, Somerset Maugham explores what it means for an individual to try to make his life meaningful. From his point of view, a person can choose to make his life meaningful, but it is damn hard. That seems correct to me. An individual can strive however he sees fit to make his life meaningful in whatever sense he defines meaningful. Through Larry, Isabel, and Elliott, Maugham makes an argument to the reader that they must either decide how to make their life meaningful or decide to let their life be wasted. Throughout the book, Maugham asks questions and suggests things about living (or failing to live) a meaningful life. He only makes one statement on this subject. This statement is that “all the persons… got what they wanted” (314). However, there is no question but that most of those people’s lives were meaningless. He is saying that getting what one wants does not mean your life is meaningful; being happy, educated, rich, popular, successful or religious does not make your life meaningful. I agree. Making your life meaningful is personal matter. I can only say that I think my life (because I cannot tell you how to make anyone else’s life meaningful) is made meaningful in the way I interact with others. I am not saying that helping, teaching or loving others will make my life meaningful because it won’t. I believe that if I become a person oriented around others then my life will be meaningful.

With that in mind, let’s talk about Elliott. I spent much of the book trying to convince myself that Elliott was better than he really was. When it comes down to it, Maugham is right when he writes, “society was what he lived for” (201). Elliott spends his whole life working for “social eminence” and he succeeds to a degree (314). But when he dies, Maugham writes “an old, kind friend. It made me sad to think how silly, useless, and trivial his life had been. It mattered very little now that he had gone to so many parties, and had hobnobbed with all those princes, dukes, and counts. They had forgotten him already.” (238). It upsets me that Elliott’s life could have been such a waste and he not see it. Elliott is Maugham’s masterpiece because if he were to look at his life, he would say that it was not a waste. He was happy with the way he spent it. I am not in a position to say with certainty that his life was a waste. I don’t want people to look at my life and tell me it was a waste. Everyone accomplishes something he thinks is valuable in his life. From my perspective, however, Elliott’s life was a waste. He had a heart of gold and he did some nice things for people, but he lived his life primarily for himself doing what he wanted and what would benefit him. I think that makes his life a waste. I don’t want his life to be a waste. I want to be able to live a meaningful life centered around myself. But Elliott did what he wanted and his life was a waste. That means that my life will not be meaningful if I only do what I want. Learning that I cannot get exactly what I want is a very painful reality to face.

On to Isabel. Isabel is the character that haunts me. I have a deep fear that I will become her. I am so like her; I try to be better, but that may not make me any different. Isabel spends her life striving for “an assured position backed by substantial fortune in an active and cultured community” (314). Having that is her goal in life, and she doesn’t realize how futile a goal that is. I think that ignorance of self is the scariest thing in this world, definitely in this book. The most dreadful description of Isabel is when Maugham writes, “I can’t believe that Isabel has changed” (308). He writes this because he recognizes that Isabel is so fixated on her goal that she cannot change. Her life cannot be meaningful because she is to busy worrying about her useless goal of a good social position. For me, this means, again, that I have to choose how badly I want my life to be meaningful. This means that I can’t have everything I want. As long as life seems, it is not long enough for everything. At some point my priorities have to be chosen. At some point I have to give up something I want. And for me, who gets much of what I want, that’s not an easy realization.

Larry is Maugham’s example of someone who chose to strive to make his life meaningful. Larry made this his highest priority in life. He says that “I wanted to make something of my life, but I didn’t know what” (252). Then he proceeds to go into the world and seek an answer for himself. As I was reading the book, I was so excited to find out what Larry’s answer would be. I was waiting for the conflict resolution that I found in every other book I’ve read. But his answer was finding “exaltation” and “transcendent joy” watching the sunrise over the Himalayas (275). He calls this moment his “illumination” (275). While that works for him, my problem with this is that his answer can’t be mine. His answer is a deep sense of peace found because of a personal journey. I cannot apply it to my life, and I am writing this essay because of that. Although I can’t get my answer from Larry, I learned from him. Maugham describes him by saying, “Larry is one of those persons who can go no other way than their own” (88). I think that this is the key to Larry’s success. He simply refuses to let others dictate his life. His need to understand himself and the world triumph over everything in his life because he insists they do. For me, this means that I must work hard in order to make my life meaningful. It means that it is a difficult task. It means that it is far easier for my life to be meaningless. And it means that even if I try with all I am I can still fail

Elliott, Isabel, and Larry but mostly Somerset Maugham have told me that my life will most likely be meaningless. That if I am to make my life meaningful, it will be harder than walking through hell and back. So the last question I ask and answer is is it worth it? I am going to answer yes. Because if I ever get to a point where I feel like my life is meaningful, then that is the happiest I will ever be. I say happiest, but what I really mean is most at peace. I hope that when I truly believe that my life to be meaningful I will have found my peace with this world.